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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Pleasantly crunchy

An airline pilot
Is walking his dog
Along a canal towpath

Near Tring
In Hertfordshire.

A large fish
Pokes its head out of the water.

The dog
Barks at the fish.

With the airline pilot's permission,
The fish
Eats
The dog.

It is a Jack Russell terrier:
Pleasantly crunchy,

But rather dry
On the palate.


................................


Time for walkies

Feline pause

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Underpants

His underpants are uncomfortably tight.
He considers the position.

Either he can remove his underpants
And replace them
With a more commodious pair,
Or he can reduce
The volume of flesh
Which the underpants contain.

And there is a third option.

He could make do
With no underpants at all
For an experimental period of six months.

Thereafter, the position could be reviewed.



Small but passionate

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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Gender confusion

A large badger
Walks into a delicatessen
in Ludlow, Shropshire.

The woman behind the counter
Looks at him.

"I'm a female badger,
Not a male badger,"
Says the badger.

"I expect you'd like
Some duck paté,"
Says the woman.



Magnanimous gesture

Worth Matravers in Dorset

Olive restaurant in Bromley

Men make such hopeless priests

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Contact

She looks into a mirror.
A female wolf looks back.

Several hundred miles away
In the Arctic circle,
A female wolf looks into a mirror.
A female human being looks back.

It must be a software error,
Or a case of identity theft.

Or, just possibly,
The animal people
Are making contact at last.


..............................


Mermaid

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Toytown

Bigears pulls a large, black bible
Off the shelf.

"According to John's Gospel,
Chapter three,
Verse 38,
Noddy,
Your attitude is unsatisfactory."

"I'll take a spanking, Bigears."

Bigears lets him off.
The last time he spanked Noddy,
The boy converted to Islam.



In Sussex

Patio window

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Monday, February 21, 2005

School run

It was not easy
To shave her legs,
While driving a car

Full of children
On the school run,
While making a call

On her mobile
To the hairdressers,
While doing breathing exercises,
While listening to Classic FM,
While eating chocolate,
And testing her oldest son

On his photosynthesis.

But she did it.

Such is the energy
Of the Goddess
These days.


Interdimensional travels

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

Synchronicity

A bald man
Is fly-fishing
On the banks of the River Tweed
At Berwick.

The periscope
Of a nuclear submarine
On Nato exercises
Breaks the surface.

The man catches no fish.

The periscope does not work.

The two incidents
Take place 73 years apart,
And in different hemispheres.

It is an extraordinary coincidence.


A new scripture shortly to be published

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Student life

He is rushing
To complete
An essay.

It has to be handed in,
At the latest,
By 4.30pm

A week ago last Friday.

Further delay is out of the question.

His girlfriend asks him
If he would like
To take his trousers off.

He says yes.

His girlfriend asks him
If there is anything else
He would like
To take off.

He says yes.

His girlfriend asks him
If there is anything in particular
He would like
To do now.

He says yes.

Further delay is out of the question.


Never settle down

Gender confusion

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Friday, February 18, 2005

American Dream

The burger bar
Is full of fat
People,
With fat
Food-filled faces,
And fat
Food-filled figures,
Filling up
With more
Fat, food-filled food.

The burger bar is bloated
With superfluous consumption.

If this is the American Dream,
What is the American Nightmare?



.................


Lost nation

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

The police are very good



While parking his car
Outside the dry cleaners,
A man kills several pedestrians.

While he is inside the dry cleaners,
His car continues to kill pedestrians,
But in a less organised way.

The police are very good about it.
They wait

Until he has paid
His dry cleaning bill,
Before shooting him dead.

It is a quiet village, normally.
But in a mature democracy,
There have to be checks and balances.



...............

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Tell me a little about yourself

A small boy knocks
At the Headmaster's door.

"Come in."

"I'm a new pupil at the school, sir.
I thought that I would come and say Hallo."

"Jolly good. Tell me a little about yourself."

"I'm an Indigo Child, sir.
I have come down
From the sixth dimension
To help you with
Your ascension process."

"Splendid."


.........................


Aquarian elf girl

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Monday, February 14, 2005

Cheese sandwich

He feels like a cheese sandwich.

There is no cheese in the fridge.

He looks in the mirror.
He looks like a cheese sandwich.

There is no cheese in the fridge.

Very carefully he unfixes
The mirror from the wall,
And climbs into the fridge with it.



...............................



Blowing in the wind

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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Pope terror talks

The Pope meets
Osama bin Laden
At a hunt ball
In Sunderland.

There are smoked lobster canapés
With a creamed spinach topping.

The Pope says:
"Would you mind awfully
If we beatified you?"
Osama replies:
"I am a saint already.
But I would welcome an introduction
To Opus Dei."

A security guard listening-in says:
"Either of you two fancy
Another signed photograph
Of Thomas the Tank Engine?"





.......................................


Opus Dei arrive for Mass
A photograph


.......................................



Creative subversion

Yoghurt shelves

Why is church so serious?

The mean streets

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Jolly frightening, this terror business

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Saturday, February 05, 2005

Jesus is not an icon

Jesus is not an icon
Of repressed purity,
A perfect butterfly

Officially pinned in position,
Secured beneath museum glass,
For the safety

Of the onlooker.

Jesus is a tumbling schoolboy:
He makes mud pies.

The mud
Flicks a feather
And flies.

Jesus is much younger
Than an icon.
And less fixed
By paint and pins.

......................................

Jesus is performing healing miracles through Torbi el Mekki in Morocco