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Saturday, July 15, 2006

Controlled anal voicing

On a recommendation
From an ex-member's husband,
The Blythburgh branch
Of The Women's Institute
Invited Mr Cyril Middleton
Of Dunwich, Suffolk,
To address them
At their Ash Wednesday lunch.

The ladies had checked
Mr Middleton's
Bona fides
Before he was invited.

According to the internet,
He had a good address
In the old medieval part
Of Dunwich,
And his hobbies were
And scuba diving.

His speciality,
According to those who
Had had
The good fortune
Of attending his celebrated
Lectures before,
Was to make funny noises
For the amusement
Of the underclass.

The ladies first noticed
That things
Were going to be a little different
At this particular lunch,
When Mr Middleton
Set up his
Amplification system.

He carefully positioned
On the stage,
Not one, but two
One in front of him
At mouth height,
And one behind him
At buttock height.

He then clapped his hands loudly,
Asked for silence,
And said that the ladies
Should not be alarmed
But he was going to do a quick
Sound test.

Everyone stopped talking
And listened intently.

There was a pause
And then a long,
High-decibel fart
Echoed around the room.

An agonising split second
Of communal
Prophylactic shock
Was followed by
A wanton explosion
Of some of the most
Ever to have permeated
A Women's Institute
Ash Wednesday lunch.

Several members,
Were seen to be
Writhing on the floor,
Injuring themselves

It was quite a few minutes
Before good order
Was re-established.

Mr Middleton
Urged the ladies
To control themselves
And asked that the windows
Be opened
Because the room was becoming
Rather stuffy.

He then let rip
With a second
Anal raspberry,
Twice as loud
And twice as long
And twice as bubbly
As the first.

The meeting once more
Degraded into
Screams and howls
Of unrestrained laughter.

Gertrude Cookley,
A new member from
Chediston Green,
Swore blind
That during this second
Mighty clarion call
She had seen a vision
Of the Archangel Gabriel
Presenting the Prophet Muhammad
With the original text
Of The Life of Brian.

Once the laughter
Had died down,
And the ladies
Had regained the power
Of coherent speech,
They began
Chatting animatedly,
With one another
Saying things like:
"Better out than in,"
And, "No need of nuclear power
With that volume
Of methane available,"
And, "That was worse than
Exchanging a sign
Of the peace."

Later in the day,
The Vicar's wife commented
To her husband
That, all in all,
It was not a good start

To Lent.


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