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Sunday, March 02, 2014

Emergency chocolate cake pictures

Picture: Thin woman ready for chocolate cake

We offer the following pastoral support for desperate modern women:

Chocolate cake picture 1

Chocolate cake picture 2

Chocolate cake picture 3

Chocolate cake picture 4

Chocolate cake picture 5

Chocolate cake picture 6

Chocolate cake picture 7

Chocolate cake picture 8

Chocolate cake picture 9

Chocolate cake picture 10

An advanced spiritual exercise for Tantric Chocopractors is offered below

(1) Dress sensibly in edible, chocolate-coloured ceremonial vestments worn over a crotchless praline undergarment.

(2) Light seven chocolate-coloured candles.

(3) Burn a little chocolate-flavoured incense.

(4) Centre yourself with sincere chocopractic intention.

(5) On a big screen, view each of the ten chocolate cake photographs listed above, slowly and in the order given.

(6) As each chocolate cake comes into view, admire its plump, Rubinesque chocolateness without judgment. Notice its extravagant, gustatory potential, its uncoded promise of instant gratification, its desire to give itself to you completely, deliciously and without delay or qualification. (Note: do not worship the chocolate cake; simply respect it as a cosmic colleague, equal to you but subtly different.)

(7) Breathe deeply in and out seven times. Rejoice in the fact that you are a Woman and that Chocolate is the Destiny of Woman.

(8) Press the tip of your tongue against the C-spot in the roof of your mouth and inhale the unconditional chocolateness of the universe.

(9) Notice how your heart is melting like chocolate. Thank the chocolate for its gift of abundant liquidity. Merge with the chocolate and go wherever it takes you.

(10) Recall how your shamanic forebears rehearsed this ritual millennia ago under starbright skies at full moon. Recall their thrill at the coming of chocolate, centuries before chocolate was invented by Bobina the Bilder of Baden-Baden during the Black Forest High Renaissance.

(11) Visualise yourself as a helpless, defenceless tastebud besieged by chocolate cake. Surrender to the invader without fear.

(12) As your consciousness merges with the quintessential chocolateness of all being, journey into sacred space, release your inner child, and offer your inner child a Cadbury's Creme Egg.

(13) Eat nothing yourself. Be strong. Be deeply and transcendentally content. Vote Republican. Experience no guilt.

Picture: Fat woman sitting on beach thinking of chocolate cake

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