A man with a red-and-yellow bowtie
Goes in to see his doctor
In Harrow, Middlesex.
"Good morning, Doctor,
"How are you?"
"I am very well, thank you,
I have got five briefcases
And three umbrellas."
"Jolly good."
"What can I do for you,
Mr Millipede?"
"I'm worried about my left leg, Doctor,
It seems to be hanging off."
"Yes, legs do that.
Legs are designed to hang off.
They hang off the pelvic girdle
Attached only by muscles,
Tendons and ligaments.
If legs didn't hang off like that,
Mobility would be inconvenient."
"I understand, Doctor,
But this particular leg of mine
Has been hanging off alarmingly
Recently.
I don't want to make a fuss,
But I would describe the hanging off
Of the leg
As pathological."
"Oh dear.
We'd better have a look, then."
"As you can see, Doctor,
I have taken off my trousers
And underpants
To assist you in your endeavours."
"Yes, I noticed that
When you walked into the room.
How long has your left leg
Been hanging off like this?"
"For as long as I can remember, Doctor.
Fifty-five or sixty years at least.
It blows about in the wind."
"Your left leg blows about in the wind?"
"Yes."
"I see.
Mr Millipede, may I ask you a question?"
"Of course, Doctor."
"Does your left leg blow about in the wind
All the time?
Or does your left leg blow about in the wind,
Episodically?"
"What do you mean, Doctor?"
"I mean, Mr Millipede,
Are there times when your left leg
Blows about in the wind
Which are then followed by other times
When your left leg
Does not blow about in the wind?"
"Yes."
"Are you aware
Of any particular circumstances
Which seem positively to correlate
With the episodes
Of your left leg blowing about
In the wind?"
"Yes."
"What are those circumstances?"
"Doctor, when I take my trousers
And underpants off
And climb out
On to the window ledge
Of my seventeenth floor office at work,
And lower myself over the window ledge
So that I am dangling from it
By my fingertips only,
And it is a windy day,
My left leg
Blows about most disconcertingly."
"Yours is a rare
And interesting condition,
Mr Millipede.
I must consult my textbooks."
Poodle parlour in Purley
More Norfolk koans
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Thursday, June 23, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Lose weight feel great
Lose weight,
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy
Slimming group.
Turn your fat slagginess
Into slim slagginess.
Tighten-up
Those love handles.
Lick those ladles
Of lard
Off your wobbles.
Amaze your boss
With your new
Sinuous,
Sexy,
Slenderness.
Gasp at the ease
With which you slip
Into your daughter's clothes.
Look in the mirror
And know
Which way round you are.
Stop being a roly-poly
Adipose pudding,
Plump dumpling,
You revolting
Fat
Hippowoman.
Lose weight,
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy
Slimming group.
.........................
Eating disorder
Casualty
Demanding lover
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy
Slimming group.
Turn your fat slagginess
Into slim slagginess.
Tighten-up
Those love handles.
Lick those ladles
Of lard
Off your wobbles.
Amaze your boss
With your new
Sinuous,
Sexy,
Slenderness.
Gasp at the ease
With which you slip
Into your daughter's clothes.
Look in the mirror
And know
Which way round you are.
Stop being a roly-poly
Adipose pudding,
Plump dumpling,
You revolting
Fat
Hippowoman.
Lose weight,
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy
Slimming group.
.........................
Eating disorder
Casualty
Demanding lover
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Monday, June 13, 2005
Men make such hopeless priests
http://alcuinbramerton.blogspot.com/2005/06/men-make-such-hopeless-priests.html
Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home
Feminist theology is about more
Than the use of vibrators
In liturgical dance.
Feminist theology is about
The sexist silliness of saying
That God is a cosmic senior citizen
With hair on his chin
But not on his pussy.
Feminist theology's goals
Are to interrogate
The social construction
Of black womanhood
In relation to the African American experience
And ask if "womanist theology"
Might be a more gender-neutral term
Than "feminist theology" -
And more ladylike?
And feminist theology is about
The employment discrimination
Involved in asserting
That 3.5 billion clitorises
Disqualify the human beings
Attached to them
From being priests of Christ
And from the fringe benefits
Which being priests of Christ brings
In terms of pretty dresses
And pensions.
Apparently,
If you are the proud possessor
Of a penis,
You can pray better.
Feminist theology
Questions this dogma.
And feminist theology
Questions other things,
Such as why is it the case
In many churches
That there is so little
Handbag space
Provided on the High Altar?
And why is it is the case
That most medieval
Easter sepulchres
Are not fitted with bidets?
These are live issues
For the female faithful
And they cannot be swept under
The kitchen sink.
It is not easy
To deliver a sermon in church
While you are doing the ironing.
It is true that you could
Get a man in
To do the ironing.
But that would mean
That the man would miss the sermon,
Or do the ironing
Down at the pub.
Or, more likely,
Mow the lawn instead
While laughing loudly
At football jokes
And peeing on the lavatory seat.
Men make such hopeless priests.
....................
Men's issues
Female bishops
Why is church so serious?
Descent
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home
Feminist theology is about more
Than the use of vibrators
In liturgical dance.
Feminist theology is about
The sexist silliness of saying
That God is a cosmic senior citizen
With hair on his chin
But not on his pussy.
Feminist theology's goals
Are to interrogate
The social construction
Of black womanhood
In relation to the African American experience
And ask if "womanist theology"
Might be a more gender-neutral term
Than "feminist theology" -
And more ladylike?
And feminist theology is about
The employment discrimination
Involved in asserting
That 3.5 billion clitorises
Disqualify the human beings
Attached to them
From being priests of Christ
And from the fringe benefits
Which being priests of Christ brings
In terms of pretty dresses
And pensions.
Apparently,
If you are the proud possessor
Of a penis,
You can pray better.
Feminist theology
Questions this dogma.
And feminist theology
Questions other things,
Such as why is it the case
In many churches
That there is so little
Handbag space
Provided on the High Altar?
And why is it is the case
That most medieval
Easter sepulchres
Are not fitted with bidets?
These are live issues
For the female faithful
And they cannot be swept under
The kitchen sink.
It is not easy
To deliver a sermon in church
While you are doing the ironing.
It is true that you could
Get a man in
To do the ironing.
But that would mean
That the man would miss the sermon,
Or do the ironing
Down at the pub.
Or, more likely,
Mow the lawn instead
While laughing loudly
At football jokes
And peeing on the lavatory seat.
Men make such hopeless priests.
....................
Men's issues
Female bishops
Why is church so serious?
Descent
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Editorials
Page update: 28.02.08
Every now and again, the Senior Editorial Board of the Alcuin and Flutterby Weblog asks Mr Alcuin Bramerton to write a measured editorial on a matter of compelling transdimensional significance.
On each occasion, Mr Bramerton refuses.
Seven examples of his refusals are reproduced, in full, below.
Obituary of Hank Texasburger III
Decoy terrorism
The Queen's Birthday Honours
Every now and again, the Senior Editorial Board of the Alcuin and Flutterby Weblog asks Mr Alcuin Bramerton to write a measured editorial on a matter of compelling transdimensional significance.
On each occasion, Mr Bramerton refuses.
Seven examples of his refusals are reproduced, in full, below.
Obituary of Hank Texasburger III
Decoy terrorism
The Queen's Birthday Honours
Sympathetic help for unacceptably fat women
World of Bears
..................................
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
The Queen's Birthday Honours
We wish to express regret at the omission, once more, from the Queen's Birthday Honours List of Mr Michael Jackson, the American child-care expert and philanthropist.
We feel that those advising Her Majesty may have overlooked Mr Jackson's persuasive qualifications to be considered for a Knighthood.
Mr Jackson capably combines the patronising whiteness of Sir Bob Geldof with a nose every bit as interesting as that of Sir Jonathan Sacks.
He has every right do be disappointed with his unwarranted exclusion from royal recognition.
Royal visit
World of Bears
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
We feel that those advising Her Majesty may have overlooked Mr Jackson's persuasive qualifications to be considered for a Knighthood.
Mr Jackson capably combines the patronising whiteness of Sir Bob Geldof with a nose every bit as interesting as that of Sir Jonathan Sacks.
He has every right do be disappointed with his unwarranted exclusion from royal recognition.
Royal visit
World of Bears
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Ontological real deal
He was thinking.
He was thinking about
Theology.
He was thinking
That if it is true
That there is nothing outside God,
Which is pretty obvious
If God is really God -
Mr Big Big Huge,
The Ontological Real Deal,
Cosmic Mind,
Sugar Daddy in the empyrean
Creator of Creators,
Ground of our Being,
Sustainer of our Becoming,
Mr Maximal Mystery
Metamanager of All That Is –
If there is nothing outside God,
Then that means
That Coca Cola
Is not outside God.
Which offers some hope
For America.
Theology must be positive:
It should posit benevolent outcomes.
And if it is true
That God's will is Evolution,
Then that might mean
That America could change
Gradually,
Over time,
And rejoin the civilised world.
...................................................
Cause and causation
He was thinking about
Theology.
He was thinking
That if it is true
That there is nothing outside God,
Which is pretty obvious
If God is really God -
Mr Big Big Huge,
The Ontological Real Deal,
Cosmic Mind,
Sugar Daddy in the empyrean
Creator of Creators,
Ground of our Being,
Sustainer of our Becoming,
Mr Maximal Mystery
Metamanager of All That Is –
If there is nothing outside God,
Then that means
That Coca Cola
Is not outside God.
Which offers some hope
For America.
Theology must be positive:
It should posit benevolent outcomes.
And if it is true
That God's will is Evolution,
Then that might mean
That America could change
Gradually,
Over time,
And rejoin the civilised world.
...................................................
Cause and causation
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The American Problem
Page update: 16.09.07
Rightly or wrongly, a view is emerging in liberal circles in Old Europe that the United States of America has become a spiritual drag-anchor on planetary development.
It is being argued that the USA is a manifest conduit of international evil. By "evil" here, is meant that which is anti-evolutionary, sectarian, fundamentalist and self-serving.
The twin towers of American materialism and militarism reach heavenwards, but without the support of sustainable roots in international soil. Not surprisingly, these towers attract unfriendly missiles from afar.
America is a new nation, a young nation, not yet culturally, diplomatically or politically mature. The United States of America is less than 250 years old, yet, by an accident of history and immense good fortune, she has become enormously wealthy and powerful.
But America does not currently have the quality of political leadership to use its favoured position responsibly and for the greater good of the planet. She does not yet have the resources of spirit, or the intelligence, at government level, to resist manipulation by covert materialistic and security interests.
America's pre-pubescent tendency towards selfishness and international bullying is becoming a retarding friction on world growth. Her isolationist stuckness has made her a target for terrorism and international contempt.
For many Europeans in leadership positions in politics, the arts, education, business and spirituality, to associate with the dominant American neo-conservative class feels like associating with mooncalves and lepers.
In the United Kingdom, the recent ex-Prime Minister, Tony Blair, who was said by elements within the European press to actively maintain a commodious second home deep within George Bush's anal sphincter, encountered considerable difficulties over his American sympathies. It is argued that his uncritical support of the Republicans' military adventure in Iraq cost the British Labour Party fifty or sixty parliamentary seats in the May 2005 General Election. For two years thereafter he was a lame-duck leader in search of an exit-strategy. And it became politically impossible for him to accept, while still in office, the Congressional Gold Medal awarded to him four years ago for his steadfast support of America after 9/11.
Perhaps the most remarkable aspect of this situation is that America has one of the most educated and spiritually literate populations in the West. There are many spiritual teachers of world importance active in America at the moment. Yet, somehow, a nation which includes tens of millions of the most generous, benevolent and evolved human beings on Earth, has contrived to allow its public life to be taken over by a political cadre of fundamentalist militarians.
In Europe, it is a matter of some puzzlement as to just how an apparently developed democracy such as the USA can possibly tolerate, at the heart of its polity, a dim vulgarian culture of the Bush-Cheney kind.
Aspects of the liberal European perspective on The American Problem have been articulated elsewhere in this blog, for example:
Rightly or wrongly, a view is emerging in liberal circles in Old Europe that the United States of America has become a spiritual drag-anchor on planetary development.
It is being argued that the USA is a manifest conduit of international evil. By "evil" here, is meant that which is anti-evolutionary, sectarian, fundamentalist and self-serving.
The twin towers of American materialism and militarism reach heavenwards, but without the support of sustainable roots in international soil. Not surprisingly, these towers attract unfriendly missiles from afar.
America is a new nation, a young nation, not yet culturally, diplomatically or politically mature. The United States of America is less than 250 years old, yet, by an accident of history and immense good fortune, she has become enormously wealthy and powerful.
But America does not currently have the quality of political leadership to use its favoured position responsibly and for the greater good of the planet. She does not yet have the resources of spirit, or the intelligence, at government level, to resist manipulation by covert materialistic and security interests.
America's pre-pubescent tendency towards selfishness and international bullying is becoming a retarding friction on world growth. Her isolationist stuckness has made her a target for terrorism and international contempt.
For many Europeans in leadership positions in politics, the arts, education, business and spirituality, to associate with the dominant American neo-conservative class feels like associating with mooncalves and lepers.
In the United Kingdom, the recent ex-Prime Minister, Tony Blair, who was said by elements within the European press to actively maintain a commodious second home deep within George Bush's anal sphincter, encountered considerable difficulties over his American sympathies. It is argued that his uncritical support of the Republicans' military adventure in Iraq cost the British Labour Party fifty or sixty parliamentary seats in the May 2005 General Election. For two years thereafter he was a lame-duck leader in search of an exit-strategy. And it became politically impossible for him to accept, while still in office, the Congressional Gold Medal awarded to him four years ago for his steadfast support of America after 9/11.
Perhaps the most remarkable aspect of this situation is that America has one of the most educated and spiritually literate populations in the West. There are many spiritual teachers of world importance active in America at the moment. Yet, somehow, a nation which includes tens of millions of the most generous, benevolent and evolved human beings on Earth, has contrived to allow its public life to be taken over by a political cadre of fundamentalist militarians.
In Europe, it is a matter of some puzzlement as to just how an apparently developed democracy such as the USA can possibly tolerate, at the heart of its polity, a dim vulgarian culture of the Bush-Cheney kind.
Aspects of the liberal European perspective on The American Problem have been articulated elsewhere in this blog, for example:
Obituary of Hank Texasburger III
Lost nation
The game continued
Not immediately apparent
Headhunted
You can pretend
Free money
Elvis in Bedfordshire
Ontological real deal
Decoy terrorism
Fundamentalism is a closed room
Religion is a terrorist behaviour
The unwisdom of belief
Keep poverty permanent
Interview for a new USA president
American Dream
God Bless America
Lost nation
The game continued
Not immediately apparent
Headhunted
You can pretend
Free money
Elvis in Bedfordshire
Ontological real deal
Decoy terrorism
Fundamentalism is a closed room
Religion is a terrorist behaviour
The unwisdom of belief
Keep poverty permanent
Interview for a new USA president
American Dream
God Bless America
Jesus recounts a dream he had about George Bush
Jesus anticipates an American economic collapse
And among comments on The American Problem elsewhere on the web, the following, perhaps, are worthy of notice:
From Vernon Coleman
From Michel Chossudovsky
From George Galloway
From Josie Appleton
From Benjamin Creme
From Nexus magazine
From the G8 National Academies of Science - pdf download - global response to climate change document (two A4 pages)
From Cindy Sheehan
From Michael Moore - Factual Back-Up For Fahrenheit 9/11
..........................................................
A modest proposal: shoot all Washington correspondents
A comment on the American media by Scott Isebrand and Stephen Colbert
This war is brought to you by ....
Article by Pepe Escobar - Asia Times (Alexandria, Egypt) - 20.03.03
UK told USA won't shut Guantanamo
BBC News (London) - 11.05.06
Blair's gold medal dilemma has two very different faces
Article by Tom Baldwin - The Times (London) - 25.05.06
The lame-duck double act take their final bow
Article by Tom Baldwin - The Times (London) - 27.05.06
US is the biggest global peace threat
People in European and Muslim countries see US policy in Iraq as a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear programme, a survey has shown. 17,000 people in 15 countries, including the USA, were questioned by the Pew Global Attitudes Project. BBC (London, UK) - 14.06.06.
The King of Fairyland
Bush's view of the Middle East rests on pure fantasy - article by George Monbiot in the Guardian newspaper (London, UK) - 01.08.06
Americans have lost their country
An article by Paul Craig Roberts - 01.03.07
..............
NESARA
A new National Economic, Security and Reformation Act for the USA
The symbology of the Illuminati?
A video introduction. Do they exist? Are they just American?
......................................................
American Republicans head for the polls
An image of patriotism
................................................
The Bush-Cheney Drug Empire
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
Friday, June 03, 2005
The man behind him in the fish shop
He turned round
And addressed
The man behind him
In the fish shop.
"Your address is
Number 33,
Main Street,
Lower Witchington,
Worcestershire,"
He said.
"Correct,"
Replied the man,
"Perhaps God is that part of us
We haven't yet met."
............................
Preconceived idea
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
And addressed
The man behind him
In the fish shop.
"Your address is
Number 33,
Main Street,
Lower Witchington,
Worcestershire,"
He said.
"Correct,"
Replied the man,
"Perhaps God is that part of us
We haven't yet met."
............................
Preconceived idea
More Norfolk koans
Index of blog contents
Spirituality websites worth watching
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