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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Magic Roundabout pyjamas

As usual,
First thing in the morning,
Horace Appleford
Slips out
Of his Magic Roundabout pyjamas,
Goes down
To Caffe Como
In the High Street
Of Wallingford,
And orders
A lobster and cabbage

But today
There are no lobsters
And the cabbage
Is off.

Horace has noticed before
That when he fails to wear
His Magic Roundabout pyjamas
To Caffe Como,
The menu
Is more limited
Than usual.

They offer to
Order in
More lobsters
From Abingdon
But point out,
Quite reasonably,
That today
You cannot get cabbage
For love or for money
This side
Of Didcot.

After some consideration,
Horace decides to order
A guinea fowl curry

The waiter
Compliments him
On his choice.

A fresh consignment
Of well-hung
Guinea fowl
Has just arrived

From West Hagbourne.

Pleasantly crunchy

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas in Keswick
Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home
It is Christmas Day
In Keswick.

Turkeys skip happily
Over the high fells
Above Mosedale.

Plum puddings
The north face
Of Skiddaw.

And piping hot
Mince pies
Are arranged in wavy lines
Across the A66
At Great Crosthwaite.

The parish church
Of St John Evangelist
Is full
With festive worshippers
Help the Aged
Christmas cards
And sipping rum punch
Under the west tower.

High in the sky overhead
A fierce, rumbling,
Hissing sound
Is heard.

A huge asteroid measuring
760 metres long
By 435 metres wide
Crashes through the roof
Of the church.

But because the asteroid
Is two-dimensional,
Little lasting damage is done,
Except to the liturgy
Of the Church of England.

The advent candle
To burn brightly,
As it did throughout
The Second World War.

Christmas lunch
On time.

At Swinside Cottage,
The Christmas crackers
Are enjoyed
Between the main course
And the dessert wine.

At Portinscale Terrace
The Braithwaites
And the Millbeck girls
Will be coming round
To sing carols
Before tea.

And later this evening
In Derwent Walk,
There will be
Buttered toast,
Roasted chestnuts

And Christmas pudding ice-cream.


Traditional school carol service

Christmas metanarrative

High fells

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Christmas metanarrative

Christmas is
The time each year
When Santa slips deftly
Down your chimney
And brings you a copy
Of the Holy Qur'an.

Christmas is
The annual festival
Designed by women
To celebrate the unnecessary pressure
They put on themselves
For about two months every year,
And to complain about it
To any man who will listen.

Christmas is
That happy festive time
When men cast away their cares
About cirrhosis of the liver,
And beer bellies
And indulge in a spot
Of chronic, well-lubricated
Male bonding.

Christmas is
When you go to a school nativity play
And discover
That the birth of Christ
Was attended by
A Barbie doll,
Several dolphins,
And thirty four
Illegal immigrants
In dirty-films raincoats.

Christmas is
When you spend hours
Getting your son's
New train set
Working perfectly,
Only to see him
Smash it up
In exasperation.

Christmas is
When you make the mistake
Of asking your wife
For sex
Under the Christmas tree
Before the presents have been



Christmas in Keswick

Traditional school carol service

Olive restaurant in Bromley

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Syntactically flawless

Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home

The seasoned limewood logs
Flicker in the fireplace.

Doctor Piers Stockton
Lights his second-best pipe
And settles down to read
His star student's
Latest essay.

The writing is plainly
The work

Of a sick
And depraved mind.

The essay speaks
Of love
And honour
And duty
And self-sacrifice
And magnificent triumph
Against insuperable odds.

The essay
Connects at no point
With Western establishment values.

It contains no hint
Of cynicism,
Or deceit.

Indeed, it has nothing seminal
To say about democratic ideals,
Post-enlightenment intellection,
A free press
Or capitalist opportunism.

Syntactically flawless,
It is a profoundly depressing read.

Dr Stockton
Screws up the essay

And tosses it into the fire.


The Piers Stockton cycle of koans

Student life

Joined-up thinking

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race

Distant and severe

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Perhaps love

Perhaps love
Is the energy
Of constructive becoming
Which stimulates the universe
To express itself coherently.

Perhaps love
Is the chap behind you
In the fish shop.

Perhaps love
Is what you feel
When you tie two ends
Of a piece of string together
But don't have to.

Perhaps love
Is all there is
But we haven't

Realised it yet.


Only Now

The man behind him in the fish shop

Free money

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Slinky ClubGirl goes out on the town

Slinky ClubGirl
Goes out on the town
To the Fleshpots of Babylon
In Luton,

The Fleshpots of Babylon
Is a clubby club-club
Type of club;
A sweaty sweat-sweat,
Dancy dance-dance,
Touchy touch-touch,
Feely feel-feel,
Steamy broth of a cauldron
Type of club.

Slinky ClubGirl
Has heard from her friends
That if you inhale unwisely
At the Fleshpots of Babylon
In Luton,
You get instantly
With the only child
Of the Devil himself.

So she takes precautions.

She paints
Her nipples
With coral-pink
And she puts on
A tight-fitting

The whole-body condom
Is not a success.

It restricts
Conversational opportunities
With fit-looking boys,
And it makes it impossible
To drink the necessary
Of natural bubbly
Bedfordshire spring water
To stay lubricated.

And it makes her feel
Like a soapy banana
In a slimy plastic
Sausage skin -
A feeling quite commonly
In Luton,

So Slinky ClubGirl
Cuts her losses,
Goes home early,
Disposes of her
Whole-body condom
In a responsible way,
And reaches for her
Vibrator drawer.

After fifteen
Or twenty
The vibrator batteries
Run out.

This sort of thing
Is quite common
In Luton,



The evolution of dance
Judson Laipply video clip (YouTube)


Harriet feels a burning sensation

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Undead but positive
Alcuin Bramerton Twitter
Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home

William had never felt better in his life.

He was dying from terminal cancer,
But he felt terrific.

The feeling started
When he stopped

When he stopped fighting
The illusion of fear,
The illusion of pain,
The illusion of death,
The illusion of physical limitation -
When he stopped fighting all that,
The feelgood factor
Came flooding in
Fresh and free
And vital.

Could it be true?

How extraordinary.

I'm not really dead, am I?

My body is dead.
I can see that.

I can see my body
Down below,
Flat as roadkill
On the hospital bed.

But I'm floating.
I'm up here.
I am not my body.

Everyone around the roadkill –
The uncomprehending crows
And death groupies –
They think I'm dead.

But I'm not.

I want to shout out.
I want to tell them
It's OK.

I want to assure them that
That meat
Is not me;
That meat
Is a mere artefact of being
Left behind
As a reminder
Of what once was,
But is now better.

This is amazing.
Look what's happening down there.
They are pulling the bedsheet
Over the head
Of the artefact.

It is a white sheet.
A nice white sheet.

People I once knew
Are crying.

I once knew that woman:
She was my wife.
I once knew that little boy:
He was my son.

Officially I am supposed
To be dead,
But experientially
I have never felt better.

In the perception
Of the perceivers,
I have gone.

But in the experience
Of the experiencer
I am still here,
Except bigger
And better.

This is very strange.

I know more than I should.
I can remember
Having done this before
Hundreds of times.

Hundreds of times before
I have flirted with flesh
And lost;
Hundreds of times before
I have flirted with flesh
And won.

Flesh is not the deal.
I am the deal.

There it is.
I can see it.
I can see my body
Down below
On the hospital bed,
Under a white sheet,
Finished with

It's all coming back.
I can remember what happens next.

I'm going to take a break
With old friends.

I'm going to have a good rest first,
And then plan a return.

I think I'll be
A woman
Next time.

I think I'll
Try out
A different kind
Of flesh,
And see if I can remember

The difference.


The Angels of Death
Dr Danny Penman considers some common, positive, pre-death experiences observed in hospitals - Daily Mail (London) 17.02.07

The last time I died was in Jerusalem in 1276
A Danny Penman NewsMonster article about reincarnation


Death is not painful
Some ideas about sleep, dying, death and ascension from the spiritual master, Violinio Germain (20.02.08)


Information about near-death experiences

Information about reincarnation

Information about regression hypnotherapy


Astral projection, the soul and the spirit


The libraries do not fool us

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Radical space for free-thinkers

He decided to set up
A radical space
For free-thinkers.

This was not
With the local

They objected
To their houses
Being unilaterally demolished

By his bulldozers.

Joined-up thinking

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, November 19, 2005

A taxi is possible

They decide
To go out to a pub
For lunch.

The pub they decide
To go out to
Is called the
Fox and Hunting Horn at
Newton-on the-Moor,

But there is a problem:
It is 11.55am
And they are in
Port Isaac,
Which is nearly five hundred miles
Away from
Newton-on the-Moor,
As the crow flies.

And they have no car;
Crows don't have cars.

A taxi is possible,
But it will cost
Several hundred pounds
And the journey will take
Several hours,
Which is several hours
Too long
Because they are hungry now.

Five hundred miles
Is a long way
To go for lunch,
If it is already
Lunch time where you are
At the moment,
Unless you are very hungry

Instant gratification
Is not the immediate objective,
But imminent gratification
Most certainly is.

So instead of going to
The Fox and Hunting Horn at
Newton-on the-Moor,
They decide to go, instead, to
A pub called
The Ship and Mermaid
In Port Isaac,
Which is just round the corner
In Middle Street,
From where they are standing now
In the rain.

It is horizontal rain
And there is a wind-chill
Factor of minus 7
Degrees Celsius.

It may be warmer
In Northumberland,
But the Cornish pasties
Are closer
In Port Isaac.

And the potential saving
On the taxi fare
Is not inconsiderable.

Scrooge-like frugality
Is not the immediate objective,
But prudent cost control
Most certainly is.

But there is a downside
To rejecting
The Northumberland option:
At the Fox and Hunting Horn at
Newton-on the-Moor,
They serve
Sheepshagger's Five Star from the wood,
Whereas at the Ship and Mermaid
In Port Isaac,
The best they can manage
Is late-bottled
Amphibian urine.

In a perfect world,
The competing options
Would be less vertiginous,
And the decisions required
To navigate them
Less excruciating.

But, although, pleasant,
Neither Newton-on-the-Moor,
Or Port Isaac,
Is perfect.

In the end,
And in the particular circumstances
Cited in this case,
Lunch turns out to be

Manifestly tolerable.


Saturday, November 05, 2005

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race

The final of this year's
Oxford and Cambridge
Boat Race
Will be between
The Department of Ablutions
And Yellow Plastic Ducks
At the University of Bath,
And the Department of Birds
And Bird-Related Issues
Such as Chicken-Stuffing
At Harvard University.

Professor Richard Charlcombe
Of the University of Bath said:
"It is good to be competing
For The Ashes once more
With our good friends
From Harvard.
This is the twenty-seventh time
In two hundred years
That the universities
Of Bath and Harvard
Have reached the final
Of the Oxford and Cambridge
Boat Race.
If we win the toss
We will elect to row the race
On the River Ganges
At Chester."

Professor Floyd Quincy
Of Harvard University said:
"Bath are always tough opponents.
We have lost our last twenty-six
Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race
Finals against them.
If we win the toss
We will elect to row the race
On the Shatt al Arab waterway
In Mesopotamia."

Our rowing correspondent,
Leander Henley comments:
"This particular
Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race
Is too close to call.
Bath are always at their best
In English conditions,
But in the Middle East,
The Surrey Station
Can be difficult to find.
There is no doubt that,
These days,
Harvard have a lot more boats
Than Bath.
In a tight race
This can sometimes

Be an advantage."

Joined-up thinking

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Eating disorder

A young lady
Called Joyce,
In Southwell,
Has an eating disorder.

She picks up a banana,
Peels off the skin,
Throws the centre
Of the banana away,
And puts the banana skin
Into her right ear.

She has volunteered
For counselling.

And she has been given
The following advice:

You have a difficult
And long-term
Eating disorder.

The solution to this problem
Is to put your food
Into your mouth
Rather than into
Your ear.

Others have found
This stratagem
To be successful.

Whether you prefer
To eat the centre
Of the banana,
Or the skin
Of the banana,
Is your personal choice.

We do not seek
To interfere with
Your private preferences.

Our task
Is simply to advise
On the appropriateness
Of competing orifices
For the proper reception

Of ingestible foodstuffs.

Blue mouthwash

Gender confusion


More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Pumpkin candlelight

She goes to her window,
Notes the encroaching twilight,
And lights
A honey-coloured
Pumpkin candle.

Is it possible that
In crepuscular conditions
We are drawn
To candle flames
Because the flickering
Flame-forms we see
Are reminders
Of the flickering flame-forms
Of angels?

And the company of angels
Is what we most need

At this time?


Interesting candle graphic


The angel paths are open

Paint an icon


Sunday, September 11, 2005

Worth Matravers in Dorset

A scantily-clad woman
With pendulous breasts,
Is driving her car
Through rush hour traffic.

A police marksman
Fires two shots at her
With a paintball rifle.

Three weeks later,
The matter is brought up
Under Any Other Business
At the monthly meeting
Of the local
Women's Institute.

After the meeting,
Members enjoy
A nicely-judged
Orange drizzle cake
Made by Deirdre Ulwell

Of Swanage.

Another woman

Into Bodmin to shop

Christmas in Keswick

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The game continued

George sat down to play
A game of chess.

He played the white pieces
While his opponent, Osama,
Played the black pieces.

While George's back was turned,
Osama placed a piece
Of white chocolate
On the top of George's
Queenside rook,
And a piece
Of dark chocolate
On the top of
His own queenside rook.

The game continued.

Fifteen minutes later,
While Osama's back was turned,
George carefully
Lifted the piece
Of white chocolate
From the top of his
Queenside rook,
And gave it to one
Of his security people
To check for poison.

The game continued.

An hour later, the piece
Of white chocolate
Was returned to George
With a thirty-seven page
Biochemical analysis.

The white chocolate
Was normal white chocolate,
It had not been
Interfered with
In any way,
It contained no poison
And it was fit
For human consumption.

George ate the piece
Of white chocolate.

The game continued.

Fifteen minutes later,
While Osama's back was turned,
George carefully
Lifted the piece
Of dark chocolate
From the top of Osama's
Queenside rook,
And popped it in his mouth.

Three minutes later,
George died
In a screaming froth
Of blood and vomit.

The game continued.


Under the radar

I am a terrorist

Sufi Master with disciples

Pope terror talks

The police are very good

More Norfolk koans

The American Problem

Jolly frightening, this terror business

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Lepidopteran evasion

He enjoys
Watching butterflies
Through binoculars.

Perhaps it is because
He's a mathematician.

The rickety, amateurish flight
Of a butterfly
Has nothing about it
Of calculus or precision.

It has more to do
With probability
And the vagaries
Of a multidimensional universe
Buffeting it playfully.

For a mathematician,
A butterfly is a nice change.

Today, however,

There are no butterflies to be seen.

Butterfly meat


More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, August 27, 2005

In Blogistan

In Blogistan
The one-balled Mouse
Is King.

In Blogistan
All is there,
All is not
All it seems.

In Blogistan
A burly front-row forward
With a beer-belly
And six-pack,
Can call himself
Slinky ClubGirl.

And In Blogistan
Little Miss PubeWax
Can call herself
Bushy the Lumberjack.

You don't see
The little mouses;
You don't see
Their little ballsies;
You don't hear
The pitter-pat
Of tiny clicks.

All you see
Is the busy little
Screen froth
Of unaccountable,
Screen names
Being groomed,
For equivocal perception.

Blogistan is a land
Of chimeras
And shifting focus;
Shimmering smoke
And mirrors;
A mirage of identities
Evaporating like
The morning mist
And then re-forming
At night,
As heavy and globular
As the dew.

There is mysticism
In the Blogosphere;
A tinkle of
Around the screensaver.

Consider the mystical texts
Of Old Blogistan:
"The First Thought in Three Fonts";
"The Imitation of Mice";
"The Mouse of Unknowing".

These codices
Give clues
About the whereabouts
Of esoteric hyperlinks,
But you need
To be there
To hear;
You need
To be there
To see;
You need
To be there
To know
In Blogistan.

The keypad
As interdimensional portal;
An Einstein-Rosen bridge
Of connectivity
Between adjacent realities.

The flickering screen
Toggling text to text
Thought to thought
Subtext to subtext
Signifier to signifier
Savoured slowly
And seen
Face to face
As in a glass lightly.

In other words,
Is very like
The real world,
But more honest

And reliable.


Bloggers - an army of irregulars
Paul Reynolds, the BBC World Affairs correspondent,
discusses the power of blogs.

Technology feeds grassroots media
Dan Gillmor argues that the media are becoming democratised,
and a global conversation is emerging.

Weblog spirituality


Slinky ClubGirl goes out on the town

Office separation

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Repent, the Kingdom of God is at hand!

One of the nice things
About Mr Honeywell,
The visiting preacher
At Guildford Cathedral, Surrey,
Was his refreshing

His sermons never lasted
Too long.

Today was no exception.

"Perhaps it is the case,"
He said,
"That we will only experience,
The freedom
Of the Kingdom of God,
When we are strong enough
To respect
The pastness of the past
And repent
Of all religion
And scripture."

"The Kingdom of God,
Exists only in the now,
In the present moment.
That is what the old rumour,
'The Kingdom of God is at hand,'

"Religion and scripture
Are tribal artefacts
Embedded in the past.
The spiritual task is to move on
And leave these distractions behind
In the closed stacks
Of yesterday's museum."

"Hear, Hear!"
Shouted the Dean and Chapter.

Shouted the congregation.

And Mr Honeywell

Sat down.

Men make such hopeless priests

Why is church so serious?

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Slippery questions

In a letter in today's edition of The Sunday Telegraph (London), Mr Giles Wardle of Tonge, Leicestershire, asks the following two questions:

"If the universe was designed by an intelligent being, who created the intelligent being? If the intelligent being didn't require a creator, why does the universe require one?"

These are intelligent questions.

What is the answer?

Ontological real deal

The unwisdom of belief

Gender confusion

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Dangerous tree in Warwickshire

A fruitarian bird-watcher,
Named Mr Schpoch,
Was setting out his picnic
On the grassy river bank
At Stratford-upon-Avon,

In a nearby tree,
A large bird of prey
About seventy centimetres long
With talons,
Black and brown wings,
White plumage
On the head, neck and tail,
And an aquiline,
Kleptoparasitic eye,

Mr Schpoch
Placed a large peach
On the grass.

The bird of prey swooped,
Picked up the peach
In its talons
And flew back to the tree.

It was a willow tree,
But it could easily
Have been mistaken
For a walnut tree,
If one was
A Japanese tourist
With no knowledge
Of English tree species.

Mr Schpoch picked up
His binoculars
And studied the bird of prey
As it consumed his peach
In the walnut tree.

He checked
The salient details
Of the bird
In an ornithological
Reference book
Which he carried
In his cool box.

The bird was
An African Fish Eagle,
Haliaeetus vocifer,
Not common on river banks
In England,
And mainly piscivorous
In habit
When scientifically observed.

Mr Schpoch
Was troubled
By the eccentricity
Of this avian phenomenon:
Such a bird
Should not be in Warwickshire
And it should not take peaches.

Very carefully
Mr Schpoch
Took out a second peach,
Attached it by a silver chain
To his falconry finger,
Placed the peach
In a prominent position
On the grass,
And waited.

What happened next,
According to the local coroner
At Stratford-upon-Avon,

Was the stuff of nightmares.

High fells

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I am a terrorist

I am a terrorist
Catch me if you can
In under the radar
A quiet Osama fan.

I am a terrorist
On social benefit
The money's very useful
It buys explosive kit.

I am a terrorist
Look out on the bus
I've got a rucksack on my back
But you won't make a fuss.

I am a terrorist
God is on my side
White racial profiling
Can't stop my suicide.

I am a terrorist
Scripture says destroy
Body bombs are my Koran

I'm a British Asian boy.


Religion is a terrorist behaviour

Under the radar

The game continued

Sufi Master with disciples

Pope terror talks

More Norfolk koans

Jolly frightening, this terror business

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Ten or Eleven Commandments

Page update: 01.08.07

One of the more dogged human textual artefacts to persist in the religious culture of the West, and one most prized by fundamentalists, is the biblical text referred to in common parlance as "The Ten Commandments".

But what are the Ten Commandments, actually?"

The modern mind suggests three possible answers to this question. The first two suggestions might be described as arising from a liberal Christian perspective, and the third from a New Age Christian view.

(1) The Ten Commandments are an out-of-date, elite-led compilation of control values designed to assist tribal cohesion in an ancient culture.

(2) The Ten Commandments are a human religious code designed to give covert power to a self-appointed priest-caste responsible for inventing and enforcing them.

(3) The Ten Commandments, as originally given, were not commandments or laws or rules at all; they were concise expressions of social wisdom. They articulated levels of information, apposite to the human level of consciousness at that time, which it would have been wise to follow in order to get out of the mess which third-dimensional human spiritual culture had got itself into after Atlantis.

On this view, the original tablets, in the biblical Ten Commandments story in Exodus, were of extra-terrestrial origin (from benign, highly-evolved, alien guides acting within the Order of Melchizedek).

The original number of commandments on the "magic" tablets given to "Moses" on "Sinai" was eleven, not ten, and the commandment which was not allowed to persist in the Hebrew record was: "Thou shalt trust the human heart to be the divine representative of the soul."

This commandment was edited out for political reasons, partly because during Moses' absence up the mountain, a coordinated and highly sophisticated negative influence, emanating from the fourth and fifth dimensions (the astral and mental planes), had made ground among the Aaronic golden calf faction in the Israelite base camp.

This negative influence was opposed to the benign alien guides ("The Holy Spirit") and was the core motivator behind the Third Reich towards the end of the Armageddon conflict (1914-1945).


Creator creatrix creation creature

How is religion?

What is the function of religion?

Our angels the aliens

Fundamentalists' Fellowship

Preconceived idea

My name is God and these are My instructions

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Monday, August 08, 2005

Under the radar

Sunrise on the 21st June
At Slapton Sands
In Devon, England,
Took place at 4.58 am.

At 4.59 am
A large group
Of German tourists
Emerged from a local hotel,
Spread their beach towels
Out on the beach
Until not a square inch
Of habitable sand
Was left exposed,
Erected flagpoles
At each corner
Of each towel,
Ran red flags up to the top
Of each flagpole,
Each flag bearing
A large black swastika,
Put on lederhosen
Held up by braces,
And started eating
And spiced sausage.

Sometime later,
At Baden-Baden,
In Germany,
A large group
Of English tourists,
Wearing out-of-date
Leeds United away strips,
Sauntered late
Into a hotel dining room
With a stiff upper lip,
Ordered fish and chips
And Yorkshire Pudding
For breakfast.

According to
The Metropolitan Police's
Racial profiling unit,
Neither the German tourists
Or the English tourists
Had any traceable
Terrorist connection
With Islamic extremist madrassas
In the tribal lands
Of Pakistan.

Both groups had
Entered Europe

Under the radar.

Cheese sandwich

Jolly frightening, this terror business

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Friday, August 05, 2005

Disclaimer in the corporate boxes

Our distinguished guests
In the corporate boxes
Are respectfully reminded
That cricket is a game
Played with a hard ball.

If such a ball
Travelling aerially
At eighty or ninety
Miles an hour
Should accidentally
Make direct contact
With the centre of your forehead
During post-prandial drinks,
You may experience
A temporary

Loss of consciousness.

Cricket on the radio

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Unusual cloud-form over Launceston

Sophie, awaking from
An unusually vivid dream,
While lounging lazily
On a sleepy summer afternoon
In her lavender-scented garden
In Launceston, Cornwall,
Recalled a fragment of conversation.

In her dream
She had been chatting casually
With her regular teacher,
And a few others,
When he had made the comment
That down on Planet Earth,
At this important time in its evolution,
In any one place
And at any one time
On average
There were a minimum
Of eighty benign UFOs
Hovering directly overhead,
Most of which were invisible.

Considering this,
Sophie raised her head
And looked directly up
Into the sky.

Not a single UFO was visible.

However, there were plenty
Of nice fluffy white clouds
Punctuating the blue sky,
One of which,
Quite high up,
Was moving slowly
In the wrong direction.

Sophie decided
To take her glasses off.

And then she saw it.
What, with her glasses on,
Looked like a cloud-form,
Quite high up,
Moving slowly
In the wrong direction,
With her glasses off,
Looked like an enormous UFO.

Sophie calculated
Its altitude to be about
Seven or eight thousand feet
Above the tip of the tower
Of the granite-built
Parish church
of St Mary Magdalene,
Mary Lucifer,
Mary Lightbearer,
Apostle to the Apostles,
Grail of the Gospel.

Sophie looked,
And as she looked
Her vision sharpened,
And she calculated
The dimensions
Of the UFO.

It seemed to be about
Ten miles long,
Four miles wide
And twenty five miles high.

It was shining like the sun;
Starbright in daylight;
A column of fire,
City-like and sparkling,
Larger than London
But reassuringly friendly
In a big, steady sort of way.

Sophie wondered
Where this particular UFO
Had come from,
And why.

Some of the Arcturian starships
Were supposed to look a bit like this
When they manifested
In third dimension atmospheres
Of third dimension planets
Above third dimension
Centres of human population
Such as Launceston.

Arcturus, Sophie recalled,
Was referred to as
The Shepherd of Hermas
By the early founders
Of Christianity
Such as Mary Magdalene.

Then Sophie put
Her glasses back on
And the UFO disappeared,
Leaving only
A rather pleasant-looking cloud-form
Quite high up,
Moving slowly,
In the wrong direction,
Against a rather pleasant-looking
Blue sky,
Which appeared to be
Even higher.

Sophie kept her glasses on
And went back to sleep.

Bees, and others,
Busied themselves

Among the lavender.


Aquarian elf girl

No such thing

Out beyond the Gas Giants

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Cricket on the radio

At a quarter past two
In the afternoon,
A man with a large nose
Is listening to test match cricket
On the radio.

His wife undresses
And asks him
If he would like to have sex.

The man says
That he will consider her invitation
In two hours time,

During the tea interval.

Marriage in trouble

Women's issues

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race

Joined-up thinking

Smelling the cat

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Decoy terrorism

It is a matter of public concern that the BBC, a public service broadcaster, has been duped into giving so much attention to the decoy terrorist attacks in London today.

The religious terrorists who, in the name of religious fundamentalism, disrupted the transport network in the British capital this morning, are small fry compared with the political and economic terrorists currently meeting under the cover of the G8 banner at Gleneagles.

It is these eight men, and the covert puppeteers who mind them, who are the real terrorists. One of them, indeed, is the chief poisoner of the planet.

His task at Gleneagles is to defend the industrial status quo in his country which, although accounting for only 5 percent of the world's population, consumes 26 percent of the world's energy and belches out 23 percent of the world's energy-related carbon emissions.

This man is also a religious fundamentalist and the major warmonger on Earth, yet the editorial controllers at the BBC appear to ignore the evil he channels and give, instead, blanket coverage to a few relatively insignificant religious firecrackers in London.

Open your eyes, BBC. You are being used.

Lost nation


The American Problem

Energy facts from Solar Energy International

Under the radar

I am a terrorist

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Blowing in the wind

A man with a red-and-yellow bowtie
Goes in to see his doctor

In Harrow, Middlesex.

"Good morning, Doctor,
"How are you?"

"I am very well, thank you,
I have got five briefcases
And three umbrellas."

"Jolly good."

"What can I do for you,
Mr Millipede?"

"I'm worried about my left leg, Doctor,
It seems to be hanging off."

"Yes, legs do that.
Legs are designed to hang off.
They hang off the pelvic girdle
Attached only by muscles,
Tendons and ligaments.
If legs didn't hang off like that,
Mobility would be inconvenient."

"I understand, Doctor,
But this particular leg of mine
Has been hanging off alarmingly
I don't want to make a fuss,
But I would describe the hanging off
Of the leg
As pathological."

"Oh dear.
We'd better have a look, then."

"As you can see, Doctor,
I have taken off my trousers
And underpants
To assist you in your endeavours."

"Yes, I noticed that
When you walked into the room.
How long has your left leg
Been hanging off like this?"

"For as long as I can remember, Doctor.
Fifty-five or sixty years at least.
It blows about in the wind."

"Your left leg blows about in the wind?"


"I see.
Mr Millipede, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Doctor."

"Does your left leg blow about in the wind
All the time?
Or does your left leg blow about in the wind,

"What do you mean, Doctor?"

"I mean, Mr Millipede,
Are there times when your left leg
Blows about in the wind
Which are then followed by other times
When your left leg
Does not blow about in the wind?"


"Are you aware
Of any particular circumstances
Which seem positively to correlate
With the episodes
Of your left leg blowing about
In the wind?"


"What are those circumstances?"

"Doctor, when I take my trousers
And underpants off
And climb out
On to the window ledge
Of my seventeenth floor office at work,
And lower myself over the window ledge
So that I am dangling from it
By my fingertips only,
And it is a windy day,
My left leg
Blows about most disconcertingly."

"Yours is a rare
And interesting condition,
Mr Millipede.

I must consult my textbooks."

Poodle parlour in Purley

More Norfolk koans

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Spirituality websites worth watching

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Lose weight feel great

Lose weight,
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy
Slimming group.

Turn your fat slagginess
Into slim slagginess.

Those love handles.

Lick those ladles
Of lard
Off your wobbles.

Amaze your boss
With your new

Gasp at the ease
With which you slip
Into your daughter's clothes.

Look in the mirror
And know
Which way round you are.

Stop being a roly-poly
Adipose pudding,
Plump dumpling,
You revolting

Lose weight,
Feel great,
Join our hypnotherapy

Slimming group.


Eating disorder


Demanding lover

More Norfolk koans

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Monday, June 13, 2005

Men make such hopeless priests
Alcuin Bramerton profile ..... Index of blog contents ..... Home

Feminist theology is about more
Than the use of vibrators
In liturgical dance.

Feminist theology is about
The sexist silliness of saying
That God is a cosmic senior citizen
With hair on his chin
But not on his pussy.

Feminist theology's goals
Are to interrogate
The social construction
Of black womanhood
In relation to the African American experience
And ask if "womanist theology"
Might be a more gender-neutral term
Than "feminist theology" -
And more ladylike?

And feminist theology is about
The employment discrimination
Involved in asserting
That 3.5 billion clitorises
Disqualify the human beings
Attached to them
From being priests of Christ
And from the fringe benefits
Which being priests of Christ brings
In terms of pretty dresses
And pensions.

If you are the proud possessor
Of a penis,
You can pray better.

Feminist theology
Questions this dogma.

And feminist theology
Questions other things,
Such as why is it the case
In many churches
That there is so little
Handbag space
Provided on the High Altar?
And why is it is the case

That most medieval
Easter sepulchres
Are not fitted with bidets?

These are live issues
For the female faithful
And they cannot be swept under
The kitchen sink.

It is not easy
To deliver a sermon in church
While you are doing the ironing.

It is true that you could
Get a man in
To do the ironing.

But that would mean
That the man would miss the sermon,
Or do the ironing
Down at the pub.

Or, more likely,
Mow the lawn instead
While laughing loudly
At football jokes
And peeing on the lavatory seat.

Men make such hopeless priests.


Men's issues

Female bishops

Why is church so serious?


More Norfolk koans

Is God an idealist?

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Saturday, June 11, 2005


Page update: 28.02.08

Every now and again, the Senior Editorial Board of the Alcuin and Flutterby Weblog asks Mr Alcuin Bramerton to write a measured editorial on a matter of compelling transdimensional significance.

On each occasion, Mr Bramerton refuses.

Seven examples of his refusals are reproduced, in full, below.

Obituary of Hank Texasburger III

Decoy terrorism

The Queen's Birthday Honours

Sympathetic help for unacceptably fat women

World of Bears

Maybe try Romanism?

The good modern husband


Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

The Queen's Birthday Honours

We wish to express regret at the omission, once more, from the Queen's Birthday Honours List of Mr Michael Jackson, the American child-care expert and philanthropist.

We feel that those advising Her Majesty may have overlooked Mr Jackson's persuasive qualifications to be considered for a Knighthood.

Mr Jackson capably combines the patronising whiteness of Sir Bob Geldof with a nose every bit as interesting as that of Sir Jonathan Sacks.

He has every right do be disappointed with his unwarranted exclusion from royal recognition.

Royal visit

World of Bears

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching

Ontological real deal

He was thinking.
He was thinking about


He was thinking
That if it is true
That there is nothing outside God,
Which is pretty obvious
If God is really God -
Mr Big Big Huge,
The Ontological Real Deal,
Cosmic Mind,
Sugar Daddy in the empyrean
Creator of Creators,
Ground of our Being,
Sustainer of our Becoming,
Mr Maximal Mystery
Metamanager of All That Is –
If there is nothing outside God,
Then that means
That Coca Cola
Is not outside God.

Which offers some hope
For America.

Theology must be positive:
It should posit benevolent outcomes.

And if it is true
That God's will is Evolution,
Then that might mean
That America could change
Over time,

And rejoin the civilised world.


Cause and causation

Sunday, June 05, 2005

The American Problem

Page update: 16.09.07

Rightly or wrongly, a view is emerging in liberal circles in Old Europe that the United States of America has become a spiritual drag-anchor on planetary development.

It is being argued that the USA is a manifest conduit of international evil. By "evil" here, is meant that which is anti-evolutionary, sectarian, fundamentalist and self-serving.

The twin towers of American materialism and militarism reach heavenwards, but without the support of sustainable roots in international soil. Not surprisingly, these towers attract unfriendly missiles from afar.

America is a new nation, a young nation, not yet culturally, diplomatically or politically mature. The United States of America is less than 250 years old, yet, by an accident of history and immense good fortune, she has become enormously wealthy and powerful.

But America does not currently have the quality of political leadership to use its favoured position responsibly and for the greater good of the planet. She does not yet have the resources of spirit, or the intelligence, at government level, to resist manipulation by covert materialistic and security interests.

America's pre-pubescent tendency towards selfishness and international bullying is becoming a retarding friction on world growth. Her isolationist stuckness has made her a target for terrorism and international contempt.

For many Europeans in leadership positions in politics, the arts, education, business and spirituality, to associate with the dominant American neo-conservative class feels like associating with mooncalves and lepers.

In the United Kingdom, the recent ex-Prime Minister, Tony Blair, who was said by elements within the European press to actively maintain a commodious second home deep within George Bush's anal sphincter, encountered considerable difficulties over his American sympathies. It is argued that his uncritical support of the Republicans' military adventure in Iraq cost the British Labour Party fifty or sixty parliamentary seats in the May 2005 General Election. For two years thereafter he was a lame-duck leader in search of an exit-strategy. And it became politically impossible for him to accept, while still in office, the Congressional Gold Medal awarded to him four years ago for his steadfast support of America after 9/11.

Perhaps the most remarkable aspect of this situation is that America has one of the most educated and spiritually literate populations in the West. There are many spiritual teachers of world importance active in America at the moment. Yet, somehow, a nation which includes tens of millions of the most generous, benevolent and evolved human beings on Earth, has contrived to allow its public life to be taken over by a political cadre of fundamentalist militarians.

In Europe, it is a matter of some puzzlement as to just how an apparently developed democracy such as the USA can possibly tolerate, at the heart of its polity, a dim vulgarian culture of the Bush-Cheney kind.

Aspects of the liberal European perspective on The American Problem have been articulated elsewhere in this blog, for example:

Morgellons mystery

Jesus recounts a dream he had about George Bush

Jesus anticipates an American economic collapse

And among comments on The American Problem elsewhere on the web, the following, perhaps, are worthy of notice:

From Vernon Coleman

From Michel Chossudovsky

From George Galloway

From Josie Appleton

From Benjamin Creme

From Nexus magazine

From the G8 National Academies of Science - pdf download - global response to climate change document (two A4 pages)

From Cindy Sheehan

From Michael Moore - Factual Back-Up For Fahrenheit 9/11


A modest proposal: shoot all Washington correspondents
A comment on the American media by Scott Isebrand and Stephen Colbert

This war is brought to you by ....
Article by Pepe Escobar - Asia Times (Alexandria, Egypt) - 20.03.03

UK told USA won't shut Guantanamo
BBC News (London) - 11.05.06

Blair's gold medal dilemma has two very different faces
Article by Tom Baldwin - The Times (London) - 25.05.06

The lame-duck double act take their final bow
Article by Tom Baldwin - The Times (London) - 27.05.06

US is the biggest global peace threat
People in European and Muslim countries see US policy in Iraq as a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear programme, a survey has shown. 17,000 people in 15 countries, including the USA, were questioned by the Pew Global Attitudes Project. BBC (London, UK) - 14.06.06.

The King of Fairyland
Bush's view of the Middle East rests on pure fantasy - article by George Monbiot in the Guardian newspaper (London, UK) - 01.08.06

Americans have lost their country
An article by Paul Craig Roberts - 01.03.07


A new National Economic, Security and Reformation Act for the USA

The symbology of the Illuminati?
A video introduction. Do they exist? Are they just American?


American Republicans head for the polls
An image of patriotism


The Bush-Cheney Drug Empire

Index of blog contents

Spirituality websites worth watching