Sermon abuse

http://alcuinbramerton.blogspot.com/2005/03/sermon-abuse.html
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The vicar strides solemnly
Up the pulpit steps
To deliver the twenty seventh sermon
In his series on the
Surprisingly contemporaneous words
Of the Old Testament prophet, Obadiah.

In the back pew on the left,
Mrs Hartley is ready.

She takes a machine pistol
Out of her handbag,
Points the weapon steadily
At the vicar,
And empties the magazine
Into his open mouth.

It is a NADFAS magazine
About late medieval church furnishings,
So the vicar's death is slow and agonising.

The police conduct a detailed investigation
Into the murder,
And send the papers
To the Crown Prosecution Service.

Several people at the Crown Prosecution Service
Die of boredom
As they review the NADFAS papers
On late medieval church furnishings.

In the end,
The Crown Prosecution Service
Takes the view
That it would not be in the public interest
To prosecute Mrs Hartley
For murdering the vicar.

On balance, they say,
The public good has been greatly enhanced
By the removal of a notorious pest.

There is a clear limit
To the amount of the Old Testament prophet,
Obadiah,
Which the general public
Can be expected to tolerate.


..................................



These days the church

Female bishops

Greenbelt - the view from the Death Star

Controlled anal voicing

The mean streets

More Norfolk koans

Why is church so serious?

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Reflective

She puts on some music,
And looks in the mirror.

The music doesn't suit her.
And there is no food in the mirror,
Just glass
And a silvery reflective layer.

She looks at her reflection
Slowly
Eye to eye.

Who on Earth
Is that person
In the mirror
Looking back?

What does she want?
And why does she stare so intently?


...........................................


Magic Roundabout pyjamas

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Ultimate happiness

All he wants is to be happy.
But he feels under-stimulated.
He feels under-stimulated because
He is sitting on a red-hot barbecue.
But there is more to his problem than this.

He feels under-stimulated because
Nothing of spiritual interest
Ever happens in American politics.
Nothing of political interest
Ever happens in American politics, either.
He wishes he had not bothered to vote.
But this is negative thinking.

He turns the barbecue up a notch.
He feels even more under-stimulated.
His under-stimulation is becoming painful.
But whatever else one might say,
His under-stimulation is not boring.

All he wants is to be happy.
But being happy
Is more than not being bored.

His girlfriend asks him why he is sitting on a red-hot barbecue.
This is a difficult question to ask.
It is a difficult question to answer, too.
He pretends not to hear.
And turns the barbecue up another notch.

All he wants is to be happy.
A warm glow arises deep within him.
He is happy now.


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Inner space

Tummy rumbles,
Skin rashes,
Traffic noise.

Telephone tones,
TV froth,
Text panic.

To work rush,
From work rush,
Grabba pizza,
Spraya bodyspray,
Stretcha thong.

Rush out,
Rush back,
Rush to sleep,
Rush awake.

The robot life,
Of a robot hologram,
Of a physical plane illusion,
Of a human being.

Need to stop,
Need to stop doing.
Need to breathe,
Need to stop not breathing.
Need to be, not do.

Be
Be still
Be still and know
Be still and know that I AM
Be still and know that I AM God.

Attend to the centre.
Silence the periphery.

Inner space is bigger than outer space,
And more supportive.


......................................



Interdimensional travels

Is prayer a waste of time?

Meditation - the direct encounter

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Time of his life

http://alcuinbramerton.blogspot.com/2005/03/time-of-his-life.html

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He looks at his watch.
It is time he wasn't here.
He looks at his watch again.
It is time he was elsewhere.

But where should he be?
What is the right location,
For being,
At this time of day?

Does the universe allow anyone
To be anywhere
And anywhen
At ten past three
On a grey afternoon?
Or doesn't it matter?

Maybe it doesn't matter at all.
Maybe time is an illusion which we use
To structure our perception of reality
Here in the third dimension,
On a grey afternoon.

A few slow moments
Of freshly baked fruit scones,
Clotted cream,
And chunky third dimension
Strawberry jam
Would be nice.

Accompanied by
A synchronistic pot of Earl Grey tea
Unhurriedly consumed
In a parallel reality.
With a waft of Oil of Bergamot
From the empyrean.

He throws away his watch.
It's time for tea.

..........................

Sands of Time
A drawing by Rowena Morill

..........................

Undead but positive

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Television in Leeds

An hirsute man in Leeds,
Is watching television
In a television shop window.
An hirsute woman walks by.

Just round the corner,
A traffic warden's trousers
Fall down unnecessarily.


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Eye contact

It all started at a teashop in Cambridge.
A woman sat down at the table opposite him,
And looked him in they eye.

He would have preferred it
If she had looked him in the ear.

She had a penetrating stare
As if she was an extraterrestrial hired to work
On remote viewing at the science park.

He pretended not to notice
And carried on reading his newspaper.

A little later, he looked up again.
Her eyes were waiting for him.
They were on a plate.
But the rest of her had gone.


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Holt-Cromer ridge

Standing on the highest point
Of the Holt-Cromer ridge
At midnight,
A man with a monocle
Looks north east
Towards the Cobb at Lyme Regis.

The view is not good.
There are several reasons for this.
One is that the Holt-Cromer ridge
Is not very high.
Another is that Lyme Regis
Lies two hundred and thirty miles to the south west.


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Deer park in Gloucestershire

A man
With a developed
Social conscience
Is standing
Upside down
On his feet
In a deer park
In Gloucestershire.

A young deer
Walks across
And studies him closely.

"We can't do that
Because of our hooves,"
Says the deer.

"The plural of hoof is heef,"
Says the man.

It is possible
To view this man
As a pedant.


Syntactically flawless

A new scripture shortly to be published

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Blue mouthwash

The young lady
Is on her own tonight,
So she decides
To do some serious eating.

To prepare for the imminent feast,
She brushes her teeth,
Rinses out her buccal cavity
With blue mouthwash,
And slips into
Something more comfortable.

Next she considers
What might be ingested
And in which order.

She takes out a pad
Of A4 lined paper,
And makes some
Preliminary notes.

Then she considers the means
By which the food
Might be conveyed
To her mouth.

She adds a diagram
Or two
To her notes,
And corrects a couple
Of spellings.

Now it is time to start.

She restrains
The African Turkey Vulture,
Wrings its neck,
And plucks its feathers.

She melts fifteen bars
Of Green and Black's
Organic dark chocolate
With orange and spices,
In a large saucepan.

She cuts the African Turkey Vulture
Into cubes,
Puts them in the liquidiser,
Adds the melted chocolate,
And blends them together well.

This is only the starter,
But it will be served chilled,
On a bed of crinkle-cut crisps.

Next she considers
The question of the wine.

She decides to drink all of it.

Now.


Platonic relationship

A new scripture shortly to be published

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Time for walkies

A man takes his dog out
For a walk.

The dog finds it difficult
To walk on its hind legs,
For five miles at a time.

The man finds it difficult
To walk on all fours,
For five miles at a time.

But they both agree
That for reasons
Of inter-specific diplomacy,
The effort is worthwhile.


Smelling the cat

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Tuesday girl

She has an
Important decision
To make.

The decision
She has to make
Is this:
Should she take
The decision
Now?
Or should she
Wait until after tea
And take
The decision then?

The decision
Involves
Boyfriends.

Such decisions
Should never be hurried.

She has seven boyfriends.

She likes to enjoy a
Different boy
Each day.

But now an
Eighth desirable boy
Has turned up.
He is the fittest
Of the fit.
Space
Must be found
For him.

But she doesn't want
More than one
Boyfriend per day.
That would be excessive,
And she is a
Modest girl
By nature,
And abstemious.

And more than one
Boyfriend a day
Would be expensive
On nail varnish,
And might be
Stressful in
Other ways.

She wonders about
Slotting him in
On Tuesdays,
For a trial period of,
Say,
One month.

She could offload
Her current Tuesday boy
Onto her best friend,
But that might be tricky.

Her best friend isn't
A boygirl.
Her best friend is
A girlgirl:
A sista.
Which is why
She is
Her best friend.

Life is agreeably complicated,
But for the modern girl,
Not impossible.

She arrives at a
Prudent solution.
She will put
The decision off
Until after tea,
And until she has
Done her hair,
And texted a few friends,
And listened to a
Bit of iPod,
And read a
Bit of 21st Century Goddess,
And chilled generally.

The only problem is,
It is Monday
Today,
And Tuesday is
Due tomorrow.

She wonders how
She will cope,
And if she doesn't
Cope,
How she will
Cope then.

Her mobile phone rings.
She makes the mistake
Of answering it.

It is a
Boy's voice.

It is not
The boy
She expected.


...................


Convent girl

Aquarian elf girl

Kristianne Wych Christian Wicca
#

MyTextBeboSpaceFrothHead

About netball

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Pleasantly crunchy

An airline pilot
Is walking his dog
Along a canal towpath
Near Tring
In Hertfordshire.

A large fish
Pokes its head out of the water.

The dog
Barks at the fish.

With the airline pilot's permission,
The fish
Eats
The dog.

It is a Jack Russell terrier:
Pleasantly crunchy,
But rather dry
On the palate.


................................


Time for walkies

Feline pause

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Underpants

His underpants are uncomfortably tight.

He considers the position.

Either he can remove his underpants
And replace them
With a more commodious pair,
Or he can reduce
The volume of flesh
Which the underpants contain.

And there is a third option.

He could make do
With no underpants at all
For an experimental period of six months.

Thereafter, the position could be reviewed.


.................................


Small but passionate

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Gender confusion

A large badger
Walks into a delicatessen
in Ludlow, Shropshire.

The woman behind the counter
Looks at him.

"I'm a female badger,
Not a male badger,"
Says the badger.

"I expect you'd like
Some duck paté,"
Says the woman.


Magnanimous gesture

Worth Matravers in Dorset

Olive restaurant in Bromley

Men make such hopeless priests

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Contact

She looks into a mirror.
A female wolf looks back.

Several hundred miles away
In the Arctic circle,
A female wolf looks into a mirror.
A female human being looks back.

It must be a software error,
Or a case of identity theft.

Or, just possibly,
The animal people
Are making contact at last.


..............................


Mermaid

Speculum

Interdimensional travels

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Toytown

Bigears pulls a large, black bible
Off the shelf.

"According to John's Gospel,
Chapter three,
Verse 38,
Noddy,
Your attitude is unsatisfactory."

"I'll take a spanking, Bigears."

Bigears lets him off.
The last time he spanked Noddy,
The boy converted to Islam.


In Sussex

Patio window

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School run

It was not easy
To shave her legs,
While driving a car
Full of children
On the school run,
While making a call
On her mobile
To the hairdressers,
While doing breathing exercises,
While listening to Classic FM,
While eating chocolate,
And testing her oldest son
On his photosynthesis.

But she did it.

Such is the energy
Of the Goddess
These days.


Interdimensional travels

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Synchronicity

A bald man
Is fly-fishing
On the banks of the River Tweed
At Berwick.

The periscope
Of a nuclear submarine
On Nato exercises
Breaks the surface.

The man catches no fish.

The periscope does not work.

The two incidents
Take place 73 years apart,
And in different hemispheres.

It is an extraordinary coincidence.


A new scripture shortly to be published

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Student life

He is rushing
To complete
An essay.

It has to be handed in,
At the latest,
By 4.30pm
A week ago last Friday.

Further delay is out of the question.

His girlfriend asks him
If he would like
To take his trousers off.

He says yes.

His girlfriend asks him
If there is anything else
He would like
To take off.

He says yes.

His girlfriend asks him
If there is anything in particular
He would like
To do now.

He says yes.

Further delay is out of the question.


Never settle down

Gender confusion

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American Dream

The burger bar
Is full of fat
People,
With fat
Food-filled faces,
And fat
Food-filled figures,
Filling up
With more
Fat, food-filled food.

The burger bar is bloated
With superfluous consumption.

If this is the American Dream,
What is the American Nightmare?



.................


Lost nation

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The police are very good

http://alcuinbramerton.blogspot.com/2005/02/police-are-very-good.html

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While parking his car
Outside the dry cleaners,
A man kills several pedestrians.

While he is inside the dry cleaners,
His car continues to kill pedestrians,
But in a less organised way.

The police are very good about it.
They wait
Until he has paid
His dry cleaning bill,
Before shooting him dead.

It is a quiet village, normally.
But in a mature democracy,
There have to be checks and balances.

...............

Intruders

The mean streets

Antidote to terror

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Tell me a little about yourself

A small boy knocks
At the Headmaster's door.

"Come in."

"I'm a new pupil at the school, sir.
I thought that I would come and say Hallo."

"Jolly good. Tell me a little about yourself."

"I'm an Indigo Child, sir.
I have come down
From the sixth dimension
To help you with
Your ascension process."

"Splendid."


.........................


Aquarian elf girl

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Cheese sandwich

He feels like a cheese sandwich.

There is no cheese in the fridge.

He looks in the mirror.
He looks like a cheese sandwich.

There is no cheese in the fridge.

Very carefully he unfixes
The mirror from the wall,
And climbs into the fridge with it.



...............................

Blowing in the wind

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Pope terror talks

The Pope meets
Osama bin Laden
At a hunt ball
In Sunderland.
 
There are smoked lobster canapés
With a creamed spinach topping.

The Pope says:
"Would you mind awfully
If we beatified you?"
Osama replies:
"I am a saint already.
But I would welcome an introduction
To Opus Dei."

A security guard listening-in says:
"Either of you two fancy
Another signed photograph
Of Thomas the Tank Engine?"



...............................


Opus Dei arrive for Mass
A photograph


...............................



Creative subversion

Yoghurt shelves

Why is church so serious?

The mean streets

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Jolly frightening, this terror business

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Jesus is not an icon

Jesus is not an icon
Of repressed purity,
A perfect butterfly
Officially pinned in position,
Secured beneath museum glass,
For the safety
Of the onlooker.

Jesus is a tumbling schoolboy:
He makes mud pies.

The mud
Flicks a feather
And flies.

Jesus is much younger
Than an icon.
And less fixed
By paint and pins.

......................................

How important is Jesus?

Photographed light blessings from Jesus

Jesus is performing healing miracles through Torbi el Mekki in Morocco

The Share International revelations

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Patio window

"What shape were the missiles
Which smashed through your patio window?"
asks the policeman.
"Round," says the woman.
"Round? Do you mean spherical?"
"Yes, spherical missiles."
"So we're talking balls?"
"We're talking a lot of balls."
"How much balls are we talking?"
"In Roman numerals,
We are talking vee-one-one-one balls."
"I make that eight balls, in new money."

"The indication is, officer, that the balls
Were deliberately energised
By local feet."
"In your perception, madam,
How many local feet energised the balls?
"Vee-one-one-one."
"I make that eight feet, in new money."
"Yes, you do."
"So that's an average
Of one foot energising each ball."
"Correct."

"How long in Roman numerals
Did it take all eight balls
To penetrate your fenestration?"
"About nought point one-vee seconds."
"So the balls arrived in quick succession?"
"Yes, It was a tightly coordinated attack of balls."

"Does this happen a lot in the village?"
"It happens several times a week, officer."
"I see."
"Only yesterday,
Doris Carruthers was in her greenhouse
Doing her nasturtiums
When eight tightly coordinated balls
Crashed through her roof
And showered her with vitreous debris."

"Is there a recognisable pattern
To the attacks?"
"Yes, officer, there is.
The first three balls
Come in an isosceles triangle formation,
And the remaining five
Follow closely behind
In a perfect pentagon."

"So the attacks aren't random?"
"No. In every observed case
There has been
A rigorous geometrical precision about them."

"I don't know what to suggest, madam."
"I suggest, officer,
That we get out of bed
And have a nice cup of tea."


The police are very good

The mean streets

Under the radar

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Jellybabies theme park

An old lady in a printed frock
Is standing in
A Jellybabies theme park
In Broadstairs.

She is watching
An illegal seal cull
Through night-vision binoculars.

Closer investigation
By the constabulary
Reveals that it is, in fact,
A trick of the light.

The Jellybabies theme park
Is in Whitstable.


Cheese sandwich

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Circus in Southwold

A group of small children
Is going to the circus
In Southwold, Suffolk.

Their childminder
Is a thin woman
With a briefcase.

"What have you got
In your briefcase, Miss?"
Asks one of the children.

"Three pounds of Semtex plastic explosive
Timed to go off at 3.45pm today,
And two and a half thousand ball bearings."

"Is your briefcase strong enough
To contain the explosion?"

"No, darling.
My briefcase is strong enough
To contain the explosive,
But insufficiently robust
To contain the explosion itself."

"Won't it make a bit of a mess, Miss?"

"I hope so, darling.
But then it'll be nice
And quiet, won't it?"


Generation gap

Intruders

Unlike the others

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Seven toffee doughnuts

Having not eaten
For well over twenty minutes,
The young woman was hungry.
#
She logged on to the internet
And ordered a stuffed crust pizza
With double pepperoni and chocolate,
French fries,
Seven toffee doughnuts
And a butterscotch milkshake.

Imagine her surprise,
Two minutes later,
When out of her 3D printer
Came a small piece
Of lettuce
And a plastic cup of raspberry leaf tea.


.................................


Worth Matravers in Dorset

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Creepy

She is a very beautiful woman;
A perfectly anorexic
Supermodel with many legs.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
The beholder is an insect.
The eye is compound.

Is the beauty enhanced
By multiple images?
Or is the beauty diminished
By biting mouthparts?


Directory of blogs written by insects

Dangerous tree in Warwickshire

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Toenails

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A young woman
Sits by a swimming pool
Painting her toenails.

It is midnight.

She wonders
Whether it is possible
To foretell the future
Using an avocado pear.

Her husband brings her
An avocado pear.

This is strange.

The young woman
Has no husband.


.........................


Aquarian elf girl

Unusual cloud-form over Launceston

Lose weight feel great

Speculum

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Poodle parlour in Purley

http://alcuinbramerton.blogspot.com/2005/01/poodle-parlour-in-purley.html

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A thin man with a toothbrush
Stuck up his nose
Walks into a poodle parlour
In Purley.

The woman
Behind the counter
Looks at him.

The thin man with the toothbrush
Stuck up his nose
Looks back.

"What can I do for you, sir?"
Says the woman.

"I'd like to buy
An industrial-strength
Toothbrush-remover, please."

"Show me your poodle."

"I don't run a poodle."

"Do you have a poodle
Which runs itself?"

"I don't believe
In the existence
Of poodles."

"But are you sympathetic
To the general concept
Of poodles
As it functions
In the vernacular culture?"

"Wild poodles, yes.
Tame poodles, no.
Poodles should be left alone
To roam free
In the jungle."

"It is my duty
To enquire, sir,
Whether that is your last word
On the subject
Of poodles?"

"It is."

"Then for both business
And metaphysical reasons,
I must terminate this conversation."


................................


Images of poodles
1 2 3 4

Images of Purley
1 2 3 4

Images of toothbrushes
1 2 3 4


..............................



Pleasantly crunchy

Feline pause

World of Bears

Directory of blogs written by insects

More Norfolk koans

Strange news; strange times

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World of Bears

Page update: 28.02.08

The time is right to issue a statement about the bear problem.

There has been a lot of loose speculation in the media, recently, about the exact motivation of the bear population in launching multiple nocturnal investigations into human dustbins.

And there was that unhelpful cartoon in The New Yorker which depicted a bear sitting at a restaurant table, studying the menu, and saying to the waiter: "I know I shouldn't, but I'm going to have the garbage."

A lot of people laugh at bears. Sadly for some, it is the last thing that they laugh at in their lives.

It is only fair, I think, to record that for many of us of bipedal persuasion, the early literature of our spiritual formation involved prominent bear exemplars. I think of the Tedi Masters, Rupert, Pooh and Paddington in particular.

And Bigears should not be forgotten in this context, although Noddy might demur. Of course, Bigears was not a bear. But he was bear-like: that is the point. Bigears was more formidable, pastorally, in his day than any Johnny-come-lately armoured bear of the Dark Materials canon.

And we should not forget tarsiers. Tarsiers, in crepuscular conditions, may sometimes be confused with bears by those with zoological difficulties.

Now, I am not myself a bear. And I don't eat bears, even at Christmas. But I do like to hibernate. And, of course, I am fully sympathetic to the concerns of the beargarden community, particularly in its Thames Valley Homeland. As you all know by now, I have long been a trusted companion of the animal people.

I urge people of goodwill everywhere to extend cyber-cleansed screenpaws to our friends, the bears. At difficult times like these, they deserve our support and understanding. And if they are koalas, they need urgent relief from the marsupial culture which so unfortunately surrounds them.

I will speak about wallabies on a future occasion. There is an issue of vulgarity to be addressed. And there is an issue of under-achievement at Rugby Football.

For ease of reference, and in case it assists in calming public fears, I append herewith a hyperlink to a high-resolution image of a tarsier.

Whoops! Sorry. That was the wrong one. Where are we now? Ah, yes. Here we are. That's better. Tarquin the Tarsier.

Alcuin Bramerton
(bear-friend)



..................................



How silly is salvation?

Toenails

Pope terror talks

Index of blog contents

The central question of the universe

It is time
We addressed honestly,
The central question
Of the universe.

What is
The central question
Of the universe?

The central question
Of the universe is this:
Where the bloody hell
Did I put the chocolate biscuits?


........................


The quest is on

Is God an idealist?

Directory of blogs written by insects

Creative subversion

Slippery questions

Index of blog contents

Strange news; strange times

Spirituality websites worth watching

Epiphany

It happened at a Tesco supermarket in Northumberland.
A supermarket is a market which is super.
For ease of reference, Tesco is the trade name given to certain markets which for cultural reasons are designated in the public mind as supernatural.
Northumberland is a physical plane location in Old Europe.
Two women were standing by the kitchen rolls.
One said to the other: "What are you giving it for supper?"
The other said: "I'm giving it fish. It doesn't like onion mash on Tuesdays."
I said: "It's Saturday today. Why not give it engine oil?"
The two women looked at me.
One of them said to the other: "Funny people you get in here, Doris."
For me, this was an epiphany.
For them, it was just another day out.


Olive restaurant in Bromley

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